The lightbulb popped on . . .

Lord, I declare that I love myself because You love me.  The more I love myself, the more I can love others.

Loving Out Loud -- Joyce Meyers

I've not written for the last several days simply because this week has been tiring - but in a good way.  Monday through Wednesday I was out in the field on a asphalt project.  Since for the last year I've been working on a construction project or in the residency and have basically had set hours, working 10 to 12 hours a day then making my over an hour drive home (thank God for audiobooks) was a shock to my system.  Sleeping hasn't been an issue for me this week.  Then yesterday was spent in the office playing catch up on all the work that I wasn't able to do while not in the office.  But I love what I do so it's no hardship - God blessed me with a wonderful job and I thank Him for it everyday.

Yesterday morning I was doing my usual - drinking my tea and writing in my journal.  Usually that's when I have my "Ah Ha" moments.  The last month or so I've had several conversations with different people I know about being alone and doing things on my own. The audiobook I started listening to turned out to be about single women who live in NYC and doing things on their own.  When God is trying to get His point across, He doesn't mess around.   I've got a list that I made of things I want to go do by myself.  I've had the list for years and haven't done anything with it but add too it.  I've been waiting to get "brave" enough to take the plunge.  So far bravery hasn't been  knocking on my door.  Although I didn't realize it, I've really been waiting to meet someone "special" and go do these things with. 

Yesterday the light bulb over my head went off and it almost blinded me.  The Lord revealed to me that I'm in my current situation because He wants me to become comfortable being alone, to get to know myself, fall in love with myself (not in a selfish way), to enjoy my own company and go and do the things I like on my own.  That I don't need to have bravery knock on my door, He's already given me the strength to do it.  The Lord showed me that by my learning the above  I will become stronger in who I am and in my faith.  That I will no longer do what I've done in the past which is to compromise the things that are important to me -- such as my belief and faith -- to keep peace in my relationship because I'm afraid I won't have anyone to do things with and not have someone to keep me company.  To learn that I can enjoy being alone in all areas of my life with Him as the best company that I can have. Learning these things will help me not to stay in a relationship long after I should be gone because I won't have the fear of being alone. The Lord showed me that I will have difficulty maintaining any relationship until I have overcome the fear I have.  However, I will say there are many aspects to being single that I already do love and enjoy -- not having to fight over the remote to the tv is one.  :) 

So anyway,  I'm going to start with baby steps and do some small things on my own.  Stuff close to home to begin with.  There's several parks close by that have trails. I think I may start by going to one of those and doing some hiking.  Or maybe go berry picking so I can make some jam.  I'm sure if anyone does read this will think that I'm such a baby for not being able to do things by myself but since I've never really been completely alone, it's new to me.  I don't want my life to consist of the only time I go do anything is when I go to work or do my household errands.  I want to live and enjoy life.  I want to become one of the confident women I see who feel the fear and do it anyway.  I heard a saying once that you can eat an elephant one bite at a time -- being afraid to go out & do things by myself is my elephant and it's time I start eating.